When you are guarded around people, always keeping them at arms length, becasue you’ve seen the monsters human beings can be, it is hard when you finally let that defense down and realise you were right all along. People don’t deserve your trust. They snap it into pieces like a child with a new toy. It’s something they convinc you they want it but will never truly appreciate it once you give it to them. And that wall you put up has been cemented further, shielding you from this sad truth. But also from the possibility that there is good in people too. Sadly, it hurts too much to wait for that realisation. Not after so much betrayal and mistrust.
People can be toxic and dangerous. They are terrifying messes that shall spill all over you, brimming with deceit and malevolence. Don’t believe the sweet lies, the kind words dripping with hypocrisy. Watch their actions. They scream what you need to hear. They shriek.
I miss how my bed felt warm and welcoming at the end of a long day or how the sound of the television in the background didn’t feel like a nauseating drone that gives me a metaphorical migraine. I miss reading and being transported into the narrative instead of circling over and over the sentences before realising I’m in a loop, not going anywhere. I miss laughing at foolish follies and the carefree feeling of not taking anything too seriously. I miss how I could sleep without tossing and turning like the thoughts inside my head. But most of all I miss how my mind was a safer place than it is now, home to rumination and bleakness after the previous tenants resilience and will packed up their things and left after staying so long. Something about the neighbours drove them out.
Find someone who knows how to calm your storms. Navigate the choppy seas when lost. Not someone who would drown in their midst. And especially not someone who steers your ship to a wreck.
I don’t know where you came from, like a stranger carrying fresh meat, calling forth these creatures of my self that I was unaware of, harbouring like hermits. Rage. Emotional stuntedness. Overemotionality. Indifference. Invalidation. Obsessive rumination. Disregard for myself. You whistled and they ran out to greet you like a starving pack of dogs…you fed them and adopted these strays, taking them with you when you left and for that I am relieved. The kennel is now empty, awaiting the pedigree of compassion, kindness, interest and creativity that it once sheltered before you ever happened.
Does it say something that I could never write a single word encapsulating joy when we were together but I bleed out in paragraphs expressing pain and utter disappointment now that we are no more?
You were a drug I never wanted to take but somehow got shoved through a syringe into my veins. And now the withdrawal has left me shaking. I hate my body for giving you any reaction at all when in my mind, I know you don’t deserve it. These stupid weak legs and naive constricted chest haven’t learned anything. I’ll just have to wait for them to realise what I have known for a long time now. That you were never good for me. And never will be. In any way.
It’s funny how toxicity and love so often mingled like cranberry juice and vodka that we just couldn’t help but keep drinking.
We used to frequent a home to pleasant words flirting with the breeze amidst poplar branches spreading like a web across the purple sky. Before we entered, a sign may as well have said “Leave disdain at the door.” and so I left it behind like sandals on the steps but you… you brought it in like trudging mud across the door mat and that darling, is how you polluted a picturesque place…and anything that was ever good.
“Take a broken heart and turn it into art.”
I don’t want to lie to myself, I feel absolutely terrible. Truth be told, I’ve been through a rough time and finally, I am out of a toxic relationship. After a little over a year, I realised how much I’d been lied to and more shockingly, how much I’d been lying to myself. Now I’m done with all of it, so here goes a series of chaotic and conflicted self expression posts. Hopefully, this proves to be cathartic because I’m unsure what else to do with all the anger I’m filled with.
I suppose this has been building all along.